My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
You Might Also Like
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The Punning Dead.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
New Tinder profile.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”