Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Anyone really
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm