In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
dam girl
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
A French press is when you hug naked
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.