Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
😂😂
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.