Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I am also baked goods
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS