Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
rapatouille
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.