My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You Might Also Like
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what