How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
True
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?