STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I love twitter
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.