A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.