Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
You Might Also Like
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.