When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
😬
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.