*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂