[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Duolingo getting serious.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
my favorite genre of twitter
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Go hard or stay average
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way