I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.