News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.