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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Your secret is safeish with me
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work