Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
You Might Also Like
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust