Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.