My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father