If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.