Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My daily affirmation
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.