I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.