My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed