When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
scared to check what name she chose
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon