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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations