Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Feels like there should be a middle ground
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices