[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.