Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I think the cat got the dog high.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna