Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
You Might Also Like
My friend takes things for granite because she didn鈥檛 finish high school
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
first you must answer his riddles
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 馃あ
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count馃槀
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ME: Who鈥檚 a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.