Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Can’t stop laughing
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.