Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You Might Also Like
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
April 1st is the class clown of days.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!