FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
These are my roll models.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, Iâd be in terrific shape.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Him: donât you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says itâs not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Her: Iâd love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
đđđđš
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, âWHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!â All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
mcdonaldsâs with a small walmart inside
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*Inspirational Tweets*