ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You Might Also Like
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them