In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Heroic Misunderstanding
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.