Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE