Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You Might Also Like
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?