A Short Story.
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Found my door mat
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”