*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Can. I. Help. You.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.