There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.