93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.