*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*limbos under the caution tape
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!