I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?