[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work