My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
LOL!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
how was your vacation
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
But is it really??
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.