In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Sharon, call the vet
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I found your tweet-up…
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
pls suprot
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.