Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.