I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’m not wrong
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
WWE is French for “yes”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}