This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.