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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary